Motherhood. Ain't no hood rougher than it right? It's constant round-a-bouts leave you feeling like you have it all worked out and yet still know nothing. Probably the only true marker that you are doing it right is an alive happy(ish) child at the end of the day. Here are what I think & based on my personal experience so far are the good, bad and ugly parts to this gig. In order to achieve a fairy tale like happy ending I'm going to do it all in reverse order! NB: some graphic details here.

The ugly. Yeah pregnancy, birth, post-partum and parenthood can be ugly. Really ugly. I remember pre-baby me had this really cool thing called dignity. Oh I remember that. I waved goodbye to that pretty little thing when at 4 weeks pregnant when I had my first internal ultra-sound. That wand they trace over your belly to look at the baby? yeah it goes other places too.

Labor brings on a hormone called relaxin which helps your muscles to relax so your baby can journey on out. The only thing is this hormone also relaxes your bowels. So some ladies know they are starting labor as one of the signs can be you spend a while on the loo. Not me though. I spent about 18 hours on the loo. You read that right 18 FREAKING HOURS. Ugly I told you.

When I was in labor and being examined (again bye dignity hello whole hand inside you) and they found Ruby's umbilical cord had prolapsed (had come out before her - life threatening) the only solution was a c-section & for the examining doctor to walk along side my bed being wheeled to theater with her hand up inside of me keeping the cord above my cervix. Oh boy. THE WORST. But this among other things saved Ru's life so a good kind of ugly?

The bad. Myself and Ruby both came close to dying in childbirth. I class this as bad. Although it has made everything in life since, that much more sweet knowing it might not have been this way.

Postnatal depression and baby blues are SOOOO common. Crazy common & I experienced various degrees of this in the last parts of my pregnancy & after Ru was born. There is so much going on, so much to learn, so much to do, life changes completely and being mentally stable throughout it all is near impossible. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. It does get better.

No sleep. Its no wonder this has been used as a torture technique for century's. It's horrible. For the first month at least we lived so close to the edge of what our bodies limits were with no sleep. It's bad, I don't recommend it & this is one of the major things we DON'T look forward to with baby number 2 (whenever that may be).

Now we come to the good part, the sweet end to this ramble. Becoming a mother means you have a life long best friend. I learnt pretty early on that I've never felt as complete as I do when I feel the weight of her in my arms. I have someone who looks at me like the sun shines from my arse even if I haven't managed to shower in a few days. My heart is living and breathing outside of me. I've never been more proud nor felt like I had a better purpose on this earth as I have since having Ruby. My hugs last a little longer and I squeeze a little tighter as I know she won't love me like this always.

Speaking of love. I fell in love with Arie 100 times over again when I saw him become a father. I don't remember much from the hazy operating theater where Ruby was born but I do remember tears rolling down Aries cheeks as he kissed his daughters head for the first time. A moment I'll never forget and that I'm lucky enough to relive every day that I see them together. The way he talks about her is like he's the only one who's ever had a daughter. In every word is pride and I can't even tell you how good this 'good' part is.

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